Are You Resigned, Have You Resigned, or Did you Re-sign

26 Apr, 2010 blog

I’m doing research for my next project- The Resignation of Eve. I want to interview Christian or formerly Christian women who are experiencing or have gone through one or more of the Three Stages of Resignation. I will be doing these interviews in May. Most will be via Skype but some might be in person (depending on where I am in the world). Get more details in the blog and post a short explainer here in the comments section(100 words or less) as to why you or your friend might be a good person for me to interview.

1. Resigned To
Using the word “resigned” in the passive sense we will highlight the most widespread abuse of women in the church – blocking, stonewalling and stalling women’s interest in gaining more influence in the church. We will tell the stories of women who find themselves “stuck” in a Catch 22. They love their church and the people but they also know they aren’t being given the opportunity to bring their best. Some are very frustrated others have simply come to terms with it.

2. Resigned From
This section profiles women who have walked away from Christianity, Church and in some cases God. These are women who at one time were very dedicated Christians, church goers and bible study leaders who have opted out for other beliefs or no beliefs. In spite of their rejection of the religion that confused and complicated their lives many of these women often lead fulfilling and productive and even deeply spiritual lives.

3. Re-Signed Up
Life is about making trades. Two people can appear to be doing the same thing but for two very different reasons. This section features the stories of women who have found a way to “orbit the giant hairball” called Christianity. They’ve learned the art of “defining themselves and staying connected”. They’re engaged but not owned, integrated within the church but knowledgeable about its inherent limitations and dangers. They’ve discovered ways to contribute to something they often disagree with. What makes these women different is that they don’t deny or just accept the situation they know it exists, talk about it and are seeking to change it from within.

31 Comments so far »

meg said

am April 26 2010 @ 11:26 pm

Hi Jim!

Yes, I’m in!
I’ve known you long enough to really trust you and your vision and what you are doing – and I would love to be a part of that.

i think i’d be good to interview because i choose good words, and because my story lends itself to your project.

Bens wants to know which of the 3 describe me. Category 1, for sure, and then a kind of oscillation between categories 2 and 3!

looking forward to seeing you on skype. i am in seattle briefly in may, so probably skype would be the way to go.

cheers!
meg
Kat King said

am April 27 2010 @ 2:23 pm

Jim,

I have been all three. I have felt blocked in, hit the glass walls, and totally given up. My experience of the last four years was the most interesting. Although, the verbiage was very much “we have women in ministry here”, the role of women was and is very traditional. And it was very selective. From a women’s point of view, there was much under the surface put down of men. I think at one point I just gave up and what I did was just a job that I could do anywhere. So I vacillate between 1 & 2, which for me is a change, as I was a living, breathing 3 for most of my life.
Jim Henderson said

am April 27 2010 @ 4:55 pm

Great help and insights Meg and Kat

I’ll be in touch
Sydney Avey said

am April 27 2010 @ 9:24 pm

I resigned up. I once was in a church advocating for the preschool the church asked me to start, asking for the budget I was promised for developmental toys when the pastor yelled in my face, “Be silent!” (I’ve written a poem, Real Estate, about that experience.) I almost became a “2″ after that. Now I have an evangelical pastor who reads my blog and recommends the books I read that challenge how we do what we do to the Elder and Deacon boards. (We have both read Jim and Casper Go to Church.) My yoga practice causes some to question my fitness to lead seminars at Women’s retreat but I went off the map with a meditation workshop last year.
Naomi Wyndham said

am April 28 2010 @ 2:37 am

Hi Jim,

My friend, Meg Ady, suggested I might be useful to you, having grown up in the church and faced my fair share of male spiritual domination. My experiences span a plethora of church environments, from growing up as a PK, to being part of youth leadership at a major Pentecostal church, to Bible College, to chdren’s pastor, to worship leader, to non-church goer, re-church goer, to desperately seeking a church home.

I’m a pretty strong opinionated woman, so my negative experiences may be of my own doing…yet somehow I think not!

However, I am resigned to the dominant male leadership aspect within the church, yet determined to continue to serve Jesus as a passionate leader in my own capacity…whilst opening doors for other women to use the gifts God has given them. And, it’s a tough fight!!

If you think I can help, I’m all yours.

Naomi
Katie said

am April 28 2010 @ 10:41 am

I might be of use to you. I would fall under #2. I grew up in a charismatic, evangelical church, attended weekend services and a weekly youth service, was on the worship team for years. Graduated high school and completed a one year internship @ the church, went on multiple mission trips, was a small group leader then left, frustrated at the lack of opportunity, for a small inner city ministry where I was a children & youth leader and led the worship team.

Left there frustrated with all the rules and the prosperity gospel preaching and have not attended church for the last year. My faith has grown deeper in the last year, though I do not attend church. It has truly been the best year of my life.

Katie
Jim Henderson said

am April 28 2010 @ 11:19 am

Sydney,Naomi and Katie

Thank you all so much for sharing the beginnings of your stories. I would like to continue the conversation with each of you

Can you please email me your contact info here:

jimAToffthemapDOTcom
sonja said

am April 28 2010 @ 12:29 pm

color me tired.

Not entirely ready to give up on Jesus. The church, however, is a pimp. I want not much whatsoever to do with it.

I’m conflicted a lot of the time and don’t go to church anymore.

It’s a hard place to be in.

But I’d talk about it with you …
Jim Henderson said

am April 28 2010 @ 10:19 pm

Sonja

Love to talk with you

email me jimAToffthemapDOTcom
Kelly said

am April 29 2010 @ 11:16 am

Resigned From. I grew up in a house that celebrated Christmas but were not church-goers. In fact, I’m not sure if Jesus was ever really mentioned. Then, at 14, after attending a born again Christian summer camp for 3 years, I accepted Jesus Christ. That fall I remember taking my mum to lunch and telling her that unless she accepted Jesus in to her heart she would be going to hell. To support my new found faith we all started going to church. I believed with all of my heart. I advocated for my God. It was in college that my eyes really became opened to the awful things that had been done in the name of God. I’m not sure when I stopped believing. But I know now that I don’t. I define myself as agnostic – someone who does not believe in God – but is accepting/not trying to change those that do. Strangely, my son, who is 6, has decided that he believes in Jesus and requests that we prayer before meals and bed. I’m cool with that. I want to respect his choices. But I’m torn at the same time – when do I tell him that I believe it is all a myth.
Jim Henderson said

am April 29 2010 @ 11:45 am

Kelly

Thanks for getting in touch

I would love to talk with you

email me jimAToffthemapDOTcom
Michele Mongrain-Uplinger said

am April 29 2010 @ 1:47 pm

Sounds to be an interesting project. Talked to Al Doyle about whether or not I should give my two-cents-worth. We concluded I should see what you think. It’s probably not an unusual tale, me thinks.

I’ve known Christ since the Jesus-people days. I dove into Scripture and was wowed by the simplicity of the message. I’d never heard that stuff before. But soon after I found myself sucked into the mudpit of Bob Mumford’s shepherding movement.

In the late 70s, I was a small group leader for our singles class — we were studying “How Should We Then Live” by Schaeffer — my then boyfriend was forbidden by his pastor to see or speak to me more than once a week. I was a dangerous influence and needed to be rationed. I was confused and asked “say what?” The problem, he said, was my “being in authority over men.” He said his pastor said I was not a Godly woman for doing so. Odd, I thought, I was merely a discussion leader. But the fellow I was dating grew distant and stopped seeing me. He had submitted to the authority of his pastor.

Around that same time, my own pastor sternly chastened me –after I shared that the Lord had not confirmed the pastor’s (his) directive. He said, and I quote, “God doesn’t speak to women. He talks to them through their covering.”

The pastors, elders, and board soon after made a speakerphone call to my home to tell me what God told them. Here goes: Quit my secular job, work for the church as their designer for no salary, surrender my independent living situation, submit to an assigned elder, and live under his roof. The leadership would choose my social contacts. I was quiet for quite some time, then I said I needed to seek the Lord on this, that I’d need 2 months hiatus from church participation, that I’d have to step back from my volunteer work at the church, and spend time in prayer regarding this revelation of theirs. I never returned. I was denounced from the pulpit. Old friends were ordered to have nothing to do with me. I was isolated.

A year later I took an overdose. I loved the Lord and detested his people. I wanted to go home. I was done.

I couldn’t set foot in a church a three years.When I saw raised hands in worship, I blanched and became distressed.

It took me 13 years to feel okay about attending regular services. I still don’t buy into the organizational crap they dish out. I am a cynic. My enthusiasm is tainted.

My life and my joy were squashed. All in the name of Jesus.
Kathleen said

am April 29 2010 @ 11:38 pm

I’m not sure if I fit into one of the 3 categories. My story is that I am a committed believer in Jesus who went from some very conservative beliefs that were shaped mostly by the conservative churches I’ve attended over the years to a believer that has had my beliefs challenged about my place as a woman in the church.

I’ve left the family-integrated church environment, and church in general because of the hierarchies and power plays that are inherent in many of them. My spiritual life is guided by my study of the Bible and my interactions with trusted Christian friends in everyday encounters. I don’t care if I ever return to an organized “church” again.

My focus has been on women’s studies in the church, though, as messed up as I’ve seen it and the manipulation that goes on, I don’t know why I’d even think to try to change it. But I still hope for change. There are more and more voices digging deep into biblical studies and sharing online and in books on women and God’s perspective, that I think a positive change is hopeful. I have links on my blog to some of those voices who have helped changed my understanding of the biblical texts. What an incredible time of women and men working together to educate others and make a change.
Jim Henderson said

am April 30 2010 @ 1:02 am

Michele and Kathleen

Please email me and lets set up a time to talk

jimAToffthemapDOTcom
Tracey Bianchi said

am May 3 2010 @ 11:41 am

Hi Jim,
I’m in the re-signed category. After years of frustration, pain, and anger toward men and the church I’ve found some peace and emerged to find my own voice and style of ministry. I serve in a context that is very affirming of women so my issues today stem from the fact that I consistently engage with arenas outside my church where what I do would not be recognized by others. I end up in places and lead and teach like I do in my own church only to suddenly “remember” that it is not “allowed” in so many places. So my journey is about helping others re-sign with hope of finding their voices and passions as I did. A long an unfinished journey. I think that those of us who have re-signed need to do our best to help others along that same path.
Jim Henderson said

am May 3 2010 @ 7:59 pm

Tracey

sounds interesting

Please email me jimAToffthemapDOTcom
Kim said

am May 5 2010 @ 12:05 am

My experience is the same, yet different. I was called into ministry at the age of 12, while in a Southern Baptist church. My pastor told me that the church wouldn’t affirm women in ministry. However, he gave me a Sunday school class to teach, while ‘ordaining’ the two young men who were called that year. They wouldn’t be involved in ministry for years. My training began right away.

When I was 16, God worked marvelously to move me to a pentacostal denomination.

I feel like my beginnings describe the story of my life. I have definately run into walls in the church, but I know that God is bigger. I believe, still, even with setbacks and downtimes, that He will put me where He wants me, when He wants me there. When I have been angry, my anger has been at Him, not at the church – people are just…human.

God has given me faboulous opportunities. I look forward to the next adventure (when I’m not having a pity party for my current downtime).
Lisa Jones said

am May 5 2010 @ 11:28 am

Hi Jim,

I’m sorry but I have a hard time with all this stuff. Of course God doesn’t degrade women or think that women shouldn’t be apart of ministry. Jesus had women a part of His! If you’re going to a church that does that, it’s in error, so leave. Why get offended and let what other misguided people do, affect your personal relationship with God? Paul didn’t
even degrade women! Those verses are taken out of context! And this opinion comes from a woman who believes in submission toward her husband! If satan can get you so offended you’re willing to walk away from Jesus or church, then he beat you! Find a church that believes the truth and values women. They are out there!!
Christy said

am May 5 2010 @ 2:55 pm

I’m definitely number 2 – although I don’t know that I would say that I walked away from or rejected Christianity – more that I moved beyond it.

I inhabit an odd space at the moment – haven’t been to church in over 6 years, but still have some very close evangelical friends and consult with some evangelical non-profits – despite my feminism, love of yoga, completely non-religious boyfriend, and lesbian therapist.

I’d be happy to talk with you, but I’m more interested in talking about the ways that feminist spirituality has helped me connect with the Divine, rather than all the crappy things that happened to me in male-dominated churches. I’ve had my share of Very Bad Things, but I’m in a good,healthy place and wouldn’t want to frame my spiritual path right now as solely a reaction against men in pulpits quoting Paul.
Helen said

am May 5 2010 @ 4:58 pm

Lisa, are you ok with women being leaders alongside men in the church?

Do you see something wrong with Jim’s project of sharing the stories of women who have been inappropriately excluded by churches? I expect he’d agree with you in saying “If you’re treated badly, leave!” but does that mean it’s wrong to share those stories?

Recently I heard Pete Rollins talk at a conference. He said we find God and are helped in coming to terms with our suffering when we share our stories with each other.
Lisa Jones said

am May 5 2010 @ 9:17 pm

Hi Helen,

Yes I am ok with women being leaders in church alongside men. I think that’s wonderful and how God intended it to be! I even think that’s backed up in scripture, without taking anything away or changing it! Or explaining some of Paul’s statements away as being his cultural bias.

No, I don’t think it’s wrong to share the stories in and of themselves…but what’s the solution? I think the focus of everything should be Jesus and the grace of God! The three responses posed all seem to get one’s focus off of Jesus and on to what happened to “you” and what “you” did about it. Where’s Jesus in this? Without total dependence on Him and His grace, Christianity is just another religion, like Islam, Buddhism…etc, all revolved around what “you” do, instead of what “He” did! And that’s what this forum seems to promote. This is just my interpretation, I realize it may not be accurate.

I know everyone has a different experience, but we all experience offense of some kind. I have also been deeply wronged by the Christian community, although not for being a woman, but I recognize it as one of the enemy’s greatest weapons. And if I had let what other people did or said dictate my view of God, I’d be in big trouble today. If I had let offense turn me away from Christianity, I wouldn’t be FINALLY experiencing the abundant life only Jesus can provide!

I, like Jesus, want to see everyone experience abundant life, and that only comes from trusting in Him and relying on His grace! It doesn’t come from church, it doesn’t come from the way your spouse treats you, or any other outside circumstance you walk through. I do not like things that take that abundant life away from people. Offense, unforgiveness, letting go of believing the Word because of a bad experience, are all avenues through which the enemy steals our peace, our joy, our abundant life…I hate to see that, in any form! I guess that is what I was responding to.

But who really cares what I think anyway?! Just cause it’s not my style, doesn’t mean it’s wrong! Thanks for your questions. Grace to all!
Helen said

am May 6 2010 @ 12:20 pm

Thanks for your reply, Lisa.
Flat Stanley said

am May 6 2010 @ 9:46 pm

Flat Stanley’s in category two and despite having grown sick-unto-death of the topic of Christianity, still finds herself wishing that she could go do church again.

But won’t. Because. Ugh. Even visiting the most avant-garde, emergent group she finds that it’s the same-ole, same-ole. It seems like no matter how sincere groups are about thinking outside the box, they can’t get away from Sunday, and Sunday is where the problem starts.
Elaine H. said

am May 12 2010 @ 8:35 am

Flat – I had to respond. I’ve only stopped attending church about 3 years ago.

All I can say to what you have said – is “ditto”.

thanks, Elaine
Becky Robbins-Penniman said

am May 13 2010 @ 8:57 am

Wow, I’m stunned by the comments here. I’m an Episcopal priest, and have been for over 9 years. I sometime fume about the males in our denomination, but I have NEVER experienced the level of domination, if not abuse, that some of the women here have encountered.

Though I know the Episcopal Church was male-dominated when I was young, I really don’t remember it too much. In my adult life, I have never been “resigned.” I did leave any kind of involvement with Christianity during college and for about 10 years after that. I re-signed as a church-goer when my kids were little, about 25 years ago, and jumped in the pool with both feet when I entered the ordination process.

Even though I’m in my 50s, I’ve spent the past 5 years or more at least tangentially connected with the emergent movement. I’ve found there is a BIG difference among those involved, depending on whether they are coming at it from the “Evangelical” direction, or from the mainline. I can honestly say that the last two emergent conferences I attended (both within the past three weeks) were extremely affirming of women, including women speakers and worship leaders. That didn’t strike me as unusual, however, because, being a mainliner, that is my daily reality.

Well, Jim, if you’re still interviewing, and looking for a woman from the mainline to speak with, let me know.

Peace,
Becky
Arlene Kasselman said

am May 19 2010 @ 4:33 pm

My friend Ken told me to get in touch with you Jim. I think I have had moments of all three but have found ways to re-connect. Let me know if you are still looking to talk to people.
Peace,
Arlene
Elizabeth DiCandilo said

am May 25 2010 @ 11:06 pm

Great posts, good project, Jim. Glad for the open discussion. Can’t wait to see what it yields.

Curious. Why Eve? I’m not making the connection of resignation with Eve. She was presented with an opportunity, crafted a position and took a corresponding action. It’s a hell of a lot more compelling then, “Hey somebody handed me fruit so I ate it.”

I identify with the 3 buckets but in a different order. I did the “work from within” first, managed through the resigned to and then resigned from. I still attend church, am a member, attend some activities if they’re of interest to me and fit in my schedule and make/keep a financial pledge each year. But I’m not trying to fix anything.

When do women get to be part of church without diagnosing, prescribing a remedy that includes them and commiting themselves to the result? How is this not just one more lover/offspring/guest bathroom to whip into shape? Can we go anywhere without a diaper bag and first aid kit?
GIna Morgan said

am May 30 2010 @ 10:08 am

I am quite happy after “resigning” from church. Years of following the rules, guidlelines of being the “happy churchgoer”, dragging my kids behind me led me nowhere! I got out! I have sought truth and I firmly believe I have found it …. outside the walls of the institutional church (that,frankly,resemble a coorporation not much different than Goldman-Sachs)
You see, after much prayer, heart-searching I left a reputable teaching position and the comfort of that false security and started reaching out in the community…doing backyard clubs and I truly felt “called” and I knew God had spoken to me and was directing me to begin a much needed after school program in our community. When I approached my pastor (at that time) he told me to be careful about what I called “my calling.” He also went on to say “be cautious when you use the term ‘God spoke to me…’”
Of course nothing ever materialized and I got frustrated with the overall lack of concern for the community while there was an overemphasis on the building fund, color the walls should be painted,the hiring of seminary-produced brainwashed leaders, the church’s annuity/investments and the obvious “head buried in the sand” state of most staff members. God help us!
I know I have truly experienced peace since leaving the institutional church and have certainly raised a few eyebrows along the way. It has been an interesting journey. One that I knew I had to take.
When will people realize that God is not limited to being inside the church walls, that church-going is no different than a civic club meeting, and that cooperate worship is truly dangerous? Wake up people!
Jules said

am June 28 2010 @ 10:10 pm

I am LOVING this topic. After reading the article in USA Today by Tom Krattenmaker via Facebook I decided to google Jim and I’m so excited to read everyone’s comments.

I am a number 2. I don’t know if Jim is still doing this research but I thought I’d share a little bit.

I grew up as a child believing in God…and until I was 16 when I became ‘born again’ I believed in Him the only way a hurting child from a dysfunctional home could.

As a child I knew nothing of church or the bible for that matter, only that I loved God and I wrote Him letters telling Him my troubles and heartaches.

When I was 16 I was told that I needed to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior in order to get to heaven…so blindly I followed, frightened that the devil would ‘get me’ or I’d be ‘left behind’. I started to go to church and over the years the beautiful simplicity of my love for God changed as I tried to please Him by following all the rules that church laid out for me.

I became a Born Again Believer August 31, 1989 and from then on I did it all…believed it all… witnessed to my ‘unsaved hell bound family’, I was drawn to leadership roles and I served in Music Ministries, worked in a Church for a couple of years, met my nice christian husband in church…everything.

In 2005 with my husband and two kids we walked away from church and have never gone back and have absolutely NO desire to do so again.

For 16 years I devoted my life to the church and in the process lost the essence and beauty of my simple love for God. The more of my life I devoted to the church the more I realized how unhappy and empty I was. I was becoming consistently more alienated from my extended family which was made up of the types of people the church told me to steer clear of… alcoholics, homosexuals, divorced people, non-believers (the list is long). My family had it all and I was convinced to look upon them as lost souls in need of redemption. Not once did the church encourage me to love them by accepting them, I was to love them with conditions. I couldn’t fully accept them until they were saved.

My views changed dramatically when my parents (who drank, smoked and did not attend church) were coming to visit us. Of course, my usual thoughts were to ‘get them to church and maybe they’ll get saved this time.’ But one Sunday while I was listening to the pastor denounce virtually everything that my parents were ~ I thought ‘how can I bring them here and let this man break them this way.’ For me, this was the beginning of the end. (I never brought my parents there).

Now I don’t call myself a Christian, or a Believer, or anything…I just love God, I believe in Jesus and I truly believe that the Spirit of God is alive in me giving me guidance. I believe that not only is the bible a handy book to have around but there are also many people who have come and gone in this world and left behind words of wisdom, encouragement and love. We must be allowed to freely read these words and allow their goodness help us grow in our lives.

I am free now to love people without feeling like I have to have an agenda or judgement over them. I can freely accept all people, even though I may not agree with what they believe or do in their life…this is how I am living my life, how I’m raising my children and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Magi said

am June 29 2010 @ 5:39 am

I’m not sure which category I belong in. I still attend a mainline church-more out of occasional habit. I have moved from my catholic upbringing through being a clergy wife of an Episcopal priest to a Lutheran ELCA church member after the divorce.

My participation has changed dramiaticlly over the years. For a time I served on church boards. I am outspoken and challanged them when complaints were made about the clergy not doing his complete job. If there are complaints where are the consequences? Job reviews were watered down and the clergy was allowed to do as he pleased. (or felt called). Being on the leadership team I suggested we pay him a part time wage for a part time job. We needed to hire some one to do the other stuff. The complainers took his side and I was alienated. Finally others saw a bigger picture of problems and he eventually left.

I was stunned that the very mention of accountablility at church would cause people to run and hide. If a pastor can’t tend to his flock-doesn’t this beg the question of where is his calling and his relationship with his Lord? Why is it hard for anyone to question a pastor’s credibility and call to ministry.

As a former clergy wife I saw and still see the crap people let their pastors get away with just because that person has a calling.

There isn’t just one issue with organized religion. But total dependence on any leadership style negates personal spiritual development.

I had to go to AA and Alanon to really understand my need for spiritual development and my responsibility to nuture it. I was born again in college through the experience of Inter-Varsity Christian fellowship. Fueled by the charastimatic movement and haven’t stopped experiencing the power of the Spirit, compassion of God’s mercy and the loving presence of Jesus.

I appreciate your writing project and hope it leads to addressing the need for balance in all ways men and women use/abuse the power of the cross.
Carole said

am July 1 2010 @ 9:37 am

I am a professional woman who built a multimillion-dollar business, led a publicly-traded corporation, earned a doctorate in my discipline, wrote a few books, and currently serve as the dean of a college. I did this while married for 37 years to a Southern Baptist minister with whom I reared two children. In the early years of our marriage I taught women’s Bible classes, worked with children, and followed the church’s rules about submission and my proper place in God’s order–while I was at church. At home we had an egalitarian marriage, and at work I was the boss. One day an employee brought me a news article about the Southern Baptist Convention resolution regarding the submission of women, and laughingly asked me if I, her assertive CEO, was submissive. Something snapped in me, and I began a journey that eventually led to my quiet resignation from church. I didn’t make an issue of it out of love for my husband. He made the journey with me, but he still attends church (as I do on occasion, to be with him). He now teaches in a nondenominational school, and is quietly able to encourage women and gently challenge the thinking of fellow ministers. I have discovered a deeper level of spirituality in my personal walk with God, but it has nothing to do with church. In fact, attending church feels like a destructive, useless waste of time, and it always leaves me angry and upset. Together we are searching for a church where we can both find places of service. One of my CFO friends left her church because they wouldn’t allow her to serve on their finance committee, in spite of her obvious financial competence, wisdom, and desire to serve in that area. What a waste of talent! I am now a member of Christians for Biblical Equality, and it has helped and supported me greatly in my journey. I do not for one minute believe that God wants me to stay in a place assigned to me by a group of men—he wants me to serve as he calls me, and right now that calling is in my work because the church has no place for me.